A Chris X Movie Review: The Beaver

Recently, I’ve delved into movie reviews. While I prefer comic reviews, I’ve seen an unbelievable amount of terrible movies lately – but none was so bizarre and absolutely strange as The Beaver. Vira Gunn and I recently watched this together. Evidently, we’re some sort of self-loathing masochists.

Is it just me or does even the freaking puppet look surprised a company actually produced this migraine of a film?

This was Mel Gibson’s second big movie since his DUI, domestic violence, and his various drunken prejudice remarks that brought him to a level of crazy that Tom Cruise hasn’t even been able to match yet. His last movie was a terrible flick called Edge of Darkness, an environmental message movie disguised as an action movie.Edge of Darkness still rates as one of my least favorite movies of all time. So, I was going into The Beaver with little expectations.

This movie did so much more than somehow manage to disappoint me – don’t get me wrong, it was bad – but on top of it being bad, it was just fucking bat-shit insane. Like Mel Gibson. Did he direct this thing too? Surprisingly, no. It was directed by Jodie Foster, who has proved herself as bat-shit as Gibson for both staring and directing a movie that’s just so…bat-shit. I’m sorry I keep using that word but it is the best way to describe this movie.

The premise? Mel Gibson is a depressed head of company that MAKES TOYS FOR KIDS. How could anyone be depressed when their job is to put stuff on the shelf at Toy’s R Us? Our depressed hero leaves his home and goes off to kill himself, but right before he does the world this favor, the Beaver puppet that’s he’s wearing (that he found earlier in a dumpster…seriously) begins talking to him. In an Australian accent.

The beaver puppet tells Gibson that he’s come to save his life … and then Gibson begins living through the puppet. For the rest of the movie. This is about as odd as it sounds. There are scenes of Gibson showering with it. And, weirder than anything else, there is threesome between Foster, Gibson, and the puppet. What!?!?!

I really can’t delve more into the plot because there really wasn’t there. It’s absurd as it sounds. There’s a subplot between Anton Yelchin (playing Mel Gibson’s son) and Jennifer Lawrence; but there’s really not a whole lot there either! Anton’s character is completely unlikeable and spends a majority of the movie slamming his head into the wall of his room (seriously). Jennifer Lawrence plays his love interest and is nice to look at if nothing else.

This movie was trying really hard to be deep and took an idiotic route to get there. I will suggest this movie, only if you want something good to riff on; but if you’re looking for a quality movie, pass this up.

Also, I watched this with Vira Gunn. Let’s see what sort of scathing criticisms she has for this magical piece of cinema:

“It sucked. I hated myself for watching it. Mel Gibson makes me want to retch. Also, the puppet must have been very moldy. He never really washed it properly despite the things he engaged in with it. Blegh.”

Truer words have never been spoken, folks.

A Chris X Movie Review – Dylan Dog: The Dead Of Night

What is this? I’m reviewing something that’s not a comic? Let me assure you that this movie is comic related.  Of course it’s a comic you’ve never heard of, but stick with me. There’s a reason you’ve never heard of the movie either. So I present to you my review of Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.

Superman is back and he's taken a turn for the emo.

I’d heard this was a comic book movie, but I wasn’t exactly sure of what. It turns out that Dylan Dog is the best selling comic book in Italy (they’ll make a movie off that but not make a freaking Green Arrow movie?!?!), akin to a sort of John Constantine type character.  He’s an investigator that delves into the supernatural and what not. I went into this movie giving it the benefit of the doubt. I ignored it being the biggest box office bomb in quite some time AND Vira’s insane ranting about the trailer. After watching it, I remembered why I should listen to her more often.

The acting in this movie was horrific. Brandon Routh has all the acting skill of a jar of pickles; but even worse than the former Man of Steel, was the female lead, Anita Briem, famous for being in The Tudors and a supporting character in one episode of Doctor Who. Saying she had a cardboard acting performance would be an insult to boxes across this country. Rounding out the cast are that kid from Jungle2Jungle as Dylan’s undead sidekick, WWE star Kurt Angle as a werewolf, and Peter Stormare (for a total of two scenes.) Also, Taye Diggs was in this movie. What in the hell is Taye Diggs doing in this?! He’s a good actor that was in one of my favorite movies EVER. He didn’t need to be in this!

Moving on from the “actors” that make up the cast, there’s the plot…if you could call it that. There’s some magic silver thing that will give the possessor some power and the werewolves, vampires, and other baddies are fighting for it and only Dylan Dog can stop it? Or something? I actually stopped paying attention and, instead, began to count the horror/action movie clichés. I shall list them below:

1. A token comic relief sidekick. I have to give it to the Jungle2Jungle guy though. He was really trying to save this movie.
2. The main character has a “dark past,” in which he lost his true love to evil creatures of the night told entirely in flashback.
3. The female lead first being portrayed as meek and weak, then suddenly turning into a Buffy the Vampire Slayer-wannabe-kill-everything-badass towards the end.
4. A slow-mo shooting scene.
5. An obligatory shirtless scene for the male lead to provide eye candy.
6. Inner monologue from main character. With Brandon Routh attempting his best Batman, it was beyond painful.
7. That one overused and sometimes varied line: “All that stuff you were scared of living in your closet? It was real.”
8. The random “colon extra title” bit in the title. It being in the dead of night had nothing to with “plot”. Did Dylan Dog just seem too plain? They could have called it “Brandon Routh Tries to Gain Fame: Part 2” It would have made more sense.

To give this movie just a little bit of credit ­ (and I do mean very little), it was filmed in New Orleans; which indeed is a good setting for a horror-detective story. It’s just too bad that they couldn’t build a better movie to live up to the amazing city that it was filmed in.  Also, I have to add in that the Italians were not a fan of this. While the comic Dylan Dog uses horror to talk about society’s problems, the movie was a standard super-clichéd action thriller with a one note actor cast into the lead.

Do not see this movie. It is terrible – and it’s not terrible in that “so bad it’s kind of good” way or that “it’s so bad it’s funny.” It’s just 100% god awful. I regret the dollar I lost renting it from Redbox. Instead, go check out Go, the movie that made me respect Taye Diggs as an actor. It was a billion times better than this excuse for a movie.

If you've never listened to me about anything, do it now. See this movie.